Drake wants Heineken and Jack Daniels.
Taylor Swift wants Starbucks Grandes delivered to her before 11 a.m.
Mariah Carey wanted bendy straws to go with her champagne.
Every diva has their food demands when it comes to what it will take to get them to perform. They don’t even need to be an entertainer preparing for a show before thousands of adoring fans. It can be a child who needs to get up and ready for camp.
Loyal readers of brave-daddy have seen and shared the heartwarming stories of the ungrateful Miracles of Christ. The daily struggles begin when they are told it’s time to get up and face the day. Once they grace us with their presence, they inform me of their displeasure with the day’s menu. There is always one we can count on to be up and out of bed long after they’re supposed to. When this happens, the menu is narrowed down to a piece of fruit or a granola bar. A granola bar. The humanity! This also happens when the children take their sweet time deciding what they want to eat. Time is running out and the menu will reduce to what can be made and consumed in the remaining time they have.
Morning requests are usually something like pancakes. I tell them that’s not possible. We need to get ready. People need to get dressed, pack their bags. Have cereal. Can I get it for them? It’s out of their reach. These are the same little darlings that will move a chair to the cabinet for the candy that is on the top shelf. But no, these are divas and they insist of the highest standards of service. Lady Gaga has her smoothie station. My children need cereal pulled out, poured out and served. Or maybe a breakfast burrito. Why can’t we have pancakes?
Keep in mind these children are running around at camp. They bring water with them. We also try to make sure they have something to drink with breakfast. They want juice. I give them juice. Are you going to drink your juice? Sure. Drink your juice. I am. (They’re not.) It’s time to go. We’re in the car. I hear a voice say, “I’m thirsty.”
This isn’t limited to breakfast. There are plenty of examples of dinner where the children are led to the table and disgusted at the swill and slop before them. Marinated meat. Fresh vegetables. Who does this to children? They don’t want this. They don’t want that. There will be threats if the menu doesn’t change. Strikes. Protests. Polish hostage situations behind bedroom doors. They won’t come out until there are acceptable items on the menu.
I don’t negotiate with terrorists.